Posted in #Love, Friendship, Missing, philippines, Relationships

Long For You, No More

I know,  I know. It’s been a while that I have been ignoring writing. Aside from being busy with my new career as a teacher,  I have also been so lazy for these past many months. Also,  you might not forgive me because this post is going to be sad and angry and anything else that I feel nowadays. But,  in any matter, I hope this reminds you and inspires you to be a good friend. 

This is for you to really cherish those who really stayed and kept in touch despite the lost times and the distance. 

Recently,  I booked a flight to one of my much-awaited travels in the Philippines. I have always wanted to visit El Nido and Coron,  and since a friend got the chance to book a promo,  I dug it and planned out every single detail of it.  So,  it’s done. Of course,  I did not forget to invite other friends especially those who I really miss and with whom am willing to spend the fun. A lot of them declined, as usual, for reasons which are understandable like financial issues, family-first, school,  work,  etc. I am totally fine by it. So,  it’s me again and my boyfriend and two more of my closest friends. 

Just yesterday,  something came up. A friend’s company is treating them to an island tour just in our locality and they’ll be staying there overnight. An idea popped into my head and I felt like I dominated him in anyway because he said something that really offended me, as a friend. I just wanted to hitch-hike on their boat that would take them to the island. I plan on staying out of his group’s way when we get to the island because honestly,  I just want to see the place, besides it a win-win,  they get less for their fare because they have more people to divide their payments with and I can hop on their ride to the beach. But it seemed like, I was just forcing my idea on him and he didn’t like that. However, since he can’t afford to tell me to get off his back like blatantly, he passed it unto a joke, in which I got the hint. And it sounded nasty to me that I almost choked with embarrassment for being that one friend who always forces herself to others. 

Maybe, just as usual for a sensitive me, I just took his words too much. Maybe I let it get into my head,  when I should not. But I realized many things regarding our friendship because of that. 

Ever since,  I have always been the “clingy friend”. In fact,  when we graduated from college, I had a really hard time accepting the real world. A month after, I impulsively took on a job in a Catholic school,  which I wasn’t prepared with and it was a 3-hour drive away from home. I had to work in a confined office space,  just me a lonely internet-less computer. Of course,  since the place is far, I had to stay in a boarding house. Others might think it’s fun,  more freedom and opportunity to grow as a person,  but it was different for me.

 It drove me nuts, I still think that because of that experience,  I suffer from a highly-functioning depression.

During the ordeal,  I cried at night when the lights are off and I thought about them. I cried in the morning thinking that there I was,  working in an unlikely and unhappy place and again thought of them. I got so attached to them that I never learned how to let go. I sent them text messages and calls that went unanswered. I told them how I miss them terribly. I tried everything to reach out but they just went out like that.  It was worse than a break-up and it was too much for my little heart to take. 

And so,  after two months,  I quit my job and went back to live in the city with ny parents. But they noticed behavioral changes in me. I slept early and woke up late. My father would nag that I was better when I was still in college because I helped out with the household chores. I drank too much,  gone home later nights until I can no longer feel things. It even took a toll on my romantic relationship. I was lost. I lost. 

Now, it has been what, four years?  A lot of things have changed. Many of them are working hard for their dreams, some even have themselves a family. I honestly am happy for them. But things for me haven’t changed much. I still excited when I hear someone is coming home or visiting the town.  I am always the one to set up dates and meet-ups, inserting myself into their hectic schedules. Sometimes,  meet-ups happen,  but most often than not,  I get rejected. 

Not until recently my boyfriend asked me,  “Why do you get excited to meet people who are not even thrilled to see us? ” And it hit me. 

I have to grow up. I cannot continue being like this,  expecting from them and being hurt when things don’t go with how I want them to. I started to question my attachment styles and how I am as a person. I don’t want tk think I am unlovable because I definitely am. I have other circles and I can hang out with them anytime. I know,  the fault is not with me. 

It’s just,  maybe I need to move on now. 

I need to accept the fact that people change, and feelings too. Things are not how they used to be and they will never be the same. My friends have grown and they are currently living their lives,  without me,  without the us in it. I need to set them free and stop being selfish. I should stop forcing my travel plans to them (that includes my boyfriend).  I should stop forcing myself to them. 

I should stop calling on people and being excited about seeing them and spending lost times with them when they don’t share the same passion with me anymore. 

Friendship is hard when it’s not being reciprocated, just like love.

I don’t hate them. Maybe I just found enough reasons to let them go,  learn to chill on my own and just be happy for everyone,  including myself. 

  

Posted in LGBT, Relationships, Uncategorized

Just Saying

Heads Up: I’m posting this because I’m a bad ass like that but not as angry as I had been before, and most importantly, I am not looking for a war here, just expressing my sentiments for the sake of my freedom of speech, whatever…so maybe we can all still be friends. Apology accepted sincerely, too.

Now, proceed at your own discretion.

Let me start with the thing that this person did that offended me straight to the bones: he made an unsolicited vagina “joke.” Okay, to be more specific without making this extensive, he enumerated how vagina is called or is known in the Waray-Waray dialect (which I will opt not to put here since it might as well rub other people the wrong way.)

So, to make a short background of what really happened, he mentioned something first about “semen” and I (being online at that time) replied by advising him to be “decent”, even putting up a religious picture to make a joke out of it. But instead of doing so, he then replied by enumerating vagina’s a.k.a. in our vernacular. I’m not even sure if my reaction was valid, but all I know is that his jokes made me tick. It seemed to me that because I was telling him to be decent with his jokes in our chat box with 10+ people recipients, he was trying to rub his crudeness more to my face as if saying “You can’t tell me what to do… or … I am not doing anything wrong… or… Here, have some more of my ‘indecency’”.  I know that maybe it was just me who was taking his “jokes” seriously or I was just being overly sensitive or I was being just a bitch, but whatever it was, I felt what I felt, and I wouldn’t deny it at all. His unsolicited vagina jokes made me tick. It made me uncomfortable.

It harassed me.

Of course, I am boggled. Why would I be harassed with just those jokes, assuming that his explanation is true that he was only telling the other people in the chat box the “different ways of saying vagina in our dialect”? One reason is maybe I am just thinking I am that super smart and cynical to just nod on that unacceptable explanation or maybe he just gave out a lousy excuse to hide his true intentions (and that was to irritate me more because I gave him “censorship”.

Right from the start, I was taught that harassment is subjective.  So basically, I have all the right in the world to tell him when to stop telling “jokes” like that (if those were even considered jokes because honestly, there was nothing funny about them or if they were not “jokes” at all, maybe a “helpful” information for those who don’t know yet how to say vagina in Waray-Waray considering that some of us are from a place that speaks that dialect) because I don’t feel comfortable about it anymore, don’t I?

Now, let me talk about “censorship.” Maybe he felt offended too by what I did because I was restraining him from saying several things he wants to say including vagina jokes because:

  1. He is a teacher in a Catholic school, so apparently he can’t tell jokes like that in class;
  2. He has a decent mom/family aside from his one closest cousin, so maybe he can’t also tell jokes like that to them;
  3. We are his Psych major friends from UP and he is expecting us to be open-minded to jokes like that (most probably);
  4. And we are the only people (if assuming he has no other support group) that can listen to his lewd jokes and that he can be open with just about anything (maybe, because he can even be very dishonest with us sometimes.);
  5. Or maybe he thinks we will never be offended by his jokes because we are “friends.”

So to censor means to retrain or to confine… However, as I see it, what I did wasn’t censorship. What I did was just trying to ask him for a little politeness because it is common sense that not all people can take capricious jokes. “Dirty jokes” for example, may vary from one person to another like for me, vagina jokes are bullets well, aside from the fact that he knows I am pro-woman, all the time, at all cost. What I was asking was for him to actually give a little respect to our vaginas the way I and other LGBT supporters give respect to the LGBT and their rights and all the things that are beneficial for them. What I was asking was for him to lessen his lewdness because others  may become uncomfortable with it, especially if it was unsolicited, like me in general.

Yes, we can talk about anything under the sun, we can talk about sex, same-sex, orgy, penises and vaginas as long as its consensual and as intellectual people, perhaps we can try to be less offensive especially by  how we respond to each other. Leave the line towards hatred uncrossed.

My friends may know that I am a person who in as much as possible, tries  to understand differences in views and perspectives and accepts it without making so much fuss about it but what is harassing/offending/hurting to me will be harassing/offending/hurting to me and I will speak about it so that it may be known and be a learning experience for all that’s involve. Moreover, I strongly believe that respect begets respect. In my life, I have always been a supporter of all things that are good, not just for me but for other living and non-living creatures as well. I love LGBT and I fight for their rights in the same manner that I love women and men and children and I fight for all of our rights in life and love. But loving the LGBT does not mean that I wouldn’t get offended by their “jokes” if they meant it the other way, especially if it is from a “friend” who knows what I have always been advocating for.

And please, may I just remind all of us people who belong to whichever sector in the society (especially the LGBT which includes me as well) that being an LGBT/a man/ a woman/ a child does not give us the right to be indecent toward other people may it be from the opposite sex or different gender/race/social status/religion etc. just because we are given special privileges. What I mean by indecency is its simplest sense:

  1. Let us not be offensive toward each other.
  2. Let our jokes not cross the route toward obscenity.
  3. Most importantly, let us give other people – may they be our family, friends, acquaintances- the genuine respect that we want them to also offer us.

We are all intelligent people and I am sure we all understand what I have been trying to say in this freaking lengthy post:

Please show some decency and DO NOT insult my vagina because I would not stoop down to your level and insult your penis or your gender or your race or your religion or whatever that’d making you human, so please just SHOW SOME GUTS FOR RESPECT AND MAKE THIS WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE IN.

Posted in Commitment, Relationships

Notes to Demanding Girlfriends

Be not sure of him. Don’t cling. Expect less from him . Love him the way he loves you. Don’t give too much, don’t give him your everything. Leave something for yourself. In this sense, you will understand why there are things that he wouldn’t do  for you the way you would for him. Avoid confrontations. He hates it, and would never understand it anyway. Don’t cry in front of him. Say everything you want to say when he’s not listening. Don’t demand. Unlike before, he’s a man now, he just wants to chill. Be there for you when you need someone because he won’t. Come on, don’t let your love eat you up. Did I already say always expect less?  Or better yet, expect none. So that you won’t always  be disappointed at the end of the day… Most importantly, get a life that does not revolve around him.

Be very not sure of him. When the right time comes, you’ll know who to give your whole life and love who will surely understand, cherish and deserve it. Someday, you’ll be someone’s priority. Someday, somebody will love you the way you deserve to be loved, without conditions and reservations.

But for now, love him until you no longer can. Just don’t  be very sure of him, until he realizes your worth.

Besides, there’s more to life than unrequited love. Focus ka muna sa career.

Disclaimer: Fiction po ito.

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