I know, I know. It’s been a while that I have been ignoring writing. Aside from being busy with my new career as a teacher, I have also been so lazy for these past many months. Also, you might not forgive me because this post is going to be sad and angry and anything else that I feel nowadays. But, in any matter, I hope this reminds you and inspires you to be a good friend.
This is for you to really cherish those who really stayed and kept in touch despite the lost times and the distance.
Recently, I booked a flight to one of my much-awaited travels in the Philippines. I have always wanted to visit El Nido and Coron, and since a friend got the chance to book a promo, I dug it and planned out every single detail of it. So, it’s done. Of course, I did not forget to invite other friends especially those who I really miss and with whom am willing to spend the fun. A lot of them declined, as usual, for reasons which are understandable like financial issues, family-first, school, work, etc. I am totally fine by it. So, it’s me again and my boyfriend and two more of my closest friends.
Just yesterday, something came up. A friend’s company is treating them to an island tour just in our locality and they’ll be staying there overnight. An idea popped into my head and I felt like I dominated him in anyway because he said something that really offended me, as a friend. I just wanted to hitch-hike on their boat that would take them to the island. I plan on staying out of his group’s way when we get to the island because honestly, I just want to see the place, besides it a win-win, they get less for their fare because they have more people to divide their payments with and I can hop on their ride to the beach. But it seemed like, I was just forcing my idea on him and he didn’t like that. However, since he can’t afford to tell me to get off his back like blatantly, he passed it unto a joke, in which I got the hint. And it sounded nasty to me that I almost choked with embarrassment for being that one friend who always forces herself to others.
Maybe, just as usual for a sensitive me, I just took his words too much. Maybe I let it get into my head, when I should not. But I realized many things regarding our friendship because of that.
Ever since, I have always been the “clingy friend”. In fact, when we graduated from college, I had a really hard time accepting the real world. A month after, I impulsively took on a job in a Catholic school, which I wasn’t prepared with and it was a 3-hour drive away from home. I had to work in a confined office space, just me a lonely internet-less computer. Of course, since the place is far, I had to stay in a boarding house. Others might think it’s fun, more freedom and opportunity to grow as a person, but it was different for me.
It drove me nuts, I still think that because of that experience, I suffer from a highly-functioning depression.
During the ordeal, I cried at night when the lights are off and I thought about them. I cried in the morning thinking that there I was, working in an unlikely and unhappy place and again thought of them. I got so attached to them that I never learned how to let go. I sent them text messages and calls that went unanswered. I told them how I miss them terribly. I tried everything to reach out but they just went out like that. It was worse than a break-up and it was too much for my little heart to take.
And so, after two months, I quit my job and went back to live in the city with ny parents. But they noticed behavioral changes in me. I slept early and woke up late. My father would nag that I was better when I was still in college because I helped out with the household chores. I drank too much, gone home later nights until I can no longer feel things. It even took a toll on my romantic relationship. I was lost. I lost.
Now, it has been what, four years? A lot of things have changed. Many of them are working hard for their dreams, some even have themselves a family. I honestly am happy for them. But things for me haven’t changed much. I still excited when I hear someone is coming home or visiting the town. I am always the one to set up dates and meet-ups, inserting myself into their hectic schedules. Sometimes, meet-ups happen, but most often than not, I get rejected.
Not until recently my boyfriend asked me, “Why do you get excited to meet people who are not even thrilled to see us? ” And it hit me.
I have to grow up. I cannot continue being like this, expecting from them and being hurt when things don’t go with how I want them to. I started to question my attachment styles and how I am as a person. I don’t want tk think I am unlovable because I definitely am. I have other circles and I can hang out with them anytime. I know, the fault is not with me.
It’s just, maybe I need to move on now.
I need to accept the fact that people change, and feelings too. Things are not how they used to be and they will never be the same. My friends have grown and they are currently living their lives, without me, without the us in it. I need to set them free and stop being selfish. I should stop forcing my travel plans to them (that includes my boyfriend). I should stop forcing myself to them.
I should stop calling on people and being excited about seeing them and spending lost times with them when they don’t share the same passion with me anymore.
Friendship is hard when it’s not being reciprocated, just like love.
I don’t hate them. Maybe I just found enough reasons to let them go, learn to chill on my own and just be happy for everyone, including myself.